On the Border Blog

24 year old girl, current college grad, Aiming to work in social psychology. Did I mention I can be a tad uncensored, hedonistic, and have been diagnosed with BPD & Bipolar type II?

It comes in slow like the tide, but just as quickly swallows me whole just like a tidal wave.

  • Gryffindor: Do what is right
  • Ravenclaw: Do what is wise
  • Hufflepuff: Do what is kind
  • Slytherin: PUT A FUCKING BASILISK IN THE CASTLE

I didn’t post to Facebook:

This week’s episode of the Secret Life of an American Axis II Patient, Jillian experienced many firsts and came to terms with some gripping hard realities. Or, are they?

Sunday:
Made a STUPID FUCKING IDIOT choice and let my raging fuckhead emotions get the better of me. Slept with my ex. It was fucking amazing, as always. He’s a beast. We are ridiculously incompatible and it became apparent on the 2nd day of that. Yes, he’s changed and is no longer emotionally abusive. Yea, I’m probably also blocking stuff out of my head that he’s done. I’m cutting off contact with him again. I just needed to fuck. I needed to be close. I needed trust, I needed unconditional openness. For that short period of time, I could tell him ANYTHING. Be myself completely… spill my heart out, my life out on the table and not be afraid of him throwing it back in my face. And he could do the same with me. In fact, I encouraged it, I asked about his life.

Neither of us had to worry about judgement.. but I was so relieved I didn’t have to worry about him laughing at me. Or worse, all of the above and then walking away. He used to do that. I know, because that’s why I ultimately left him, because that was just the beginning of it. It got worse, and worse and worse as I allowed that to keep continuing. That’s not me anymore, and I don’t know if that’s him anymore but I know he is capable of good… it just can’t be with me.

I know it was toxic, and will always be toxic. But at least I can trust that if I call him, he’ll be there at least for that little while. He can’t do long term with me, nor I with him. But fuck, the stuff about him that’s good is absolutely perfect. He’s going to make somebody so very happy someday. 

Monday:
Sobbed all day at work. Admitted myself to the hospital after suicidal ideology and uncontrollable volubility and emotion. I thought I was going to get an anti anxiety, but  didn’t realize what I got myself into. I signed my rights away. They tried to admit me. I’m lucky my mom came, but even so they refused to let me go home with her and sent me on an ambulence (against my will) to another hospital just for me to get a clear bill of mental health from a much more understanding doctor who realized that I just needed to calm down. ESPECIALLY because I was seeing my psych the very next day 11am… and my therapist the following at 4pm.

I don’t know why, I thought seeing Jeff would make me feel better, fill that void. It didn’t. I still knew Dad would die. I still knew I would ultimately be alone. I still felt like I was drowning in the quicksand, and thrashing to get out. That blades were my fingertips, and as I reached out for a tender touch I left razer mark slices across all who I came across. It was a full blown Borderline Fog. I lashed out at everyone, those I loved. I pushed them away, and focused on how they hurt me and left me rather than how they have been there for me. I couldn’t see past that pain. Even if logically I kept looking past it, I couldn’t SEE. I was blind to it, like trying to explain a new color. I knew it existed, I knew it made sense, but that bucket of water didn’t compare to the raging fire within.

Tuesday:
Saw my therapist, went full on crazy psycho bitch are we in middle school again or are you a fucking adult mode. Biting my mom’s head off, snapping angry at everyone, incapable of letting go and riding out the storm. I was a scornful hellfire of hedonistic vengeance. But, there is good news. We discussed in-patient DBT programs. They sound kinda awesome… like spiritual retreats. You learn life skills, get to go away and come back renewed. It was compared to Hinduism / Buddhism in some ways.

I’m excited. This has been a hell week, it’s been fucking crazy, but it’s been good. It’s been real fucking real. I have a game plan. Life doesn’t have to be a rickety roller coaster made of rotted wood, but instead a refined piece of machinery. A twisted sleek beauty made of steel which I am happy to jump in,sit back and enjoy the ride as the wind whips at my hair and my hands lazily brush the handle bars, or maybe make patterns in the wind as we rush past…

spiritual-euphoria:

fuck-no-sjws:

foxytail11:

foxytail11:

Master and I went out on a date last night and this was my outfit (well minus the chain, which I left at home).  At first I was just going to go out with just that lace dress and Louboutins but the cuffs and collar I got from kittensplaypenshop look classy and elegant enough to go with this outfit.  Lately I haven’t been going out with my tail but I just love how my tail looks with this dress!
My foxtail sets | My sexy GIF sets |My Louboutin sets

I have no idea when this passed the 3K notes mark but I think this is my most popular petplay post =P

I WANT TO DO THIS

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A FOXTAIL and I would also love to surprise Nick with that if we ever go out on a date ever again. I also want Louboutins.

I recently purchased one of these… only got to use it once. Looking for a more worthwhile playmate to try again… aka get my head on fucking straight and say no to any relationships with anybody until I get out on my in-patient DBT program. THEN! Fun will be had, but with someone I genuinely trust and care for and vise versa.

spiritual-euphoria:

fuck-no-sjws:

foxytail11:

foxytail11:

Master and I went out on a date last night and this was my outfit (well minus the chain, which I left at home).  At first I was just going to go out with just that lace dress and Louboutins but the cuffs and collar I got from kittensplaypenshop look classy and elegant enough to go with this outfit.  Lately I haven’t been going out with my tail but I just love how my tail looks with this dress!

My foxtail sets | My sexy GIF sets |My Louboutin sets

I have no idea when this passed the 3K notes mark but I think this is my most popular petplay post =P

I WANT TO DO THIS

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A FOXTAIL and I would also love to surprise Nick with that if we ever go out on a date ever again. I also want Louboutins.

I recently purchased one of these… only got to use it once. Looking for a more worthwhile playmate to try again… aka get my head on fucking straight and say no to any relationships with anybody until I get out on my in-patient DBT program. THEN! Fun will be had, but with someone I genuinely trust and care for and vise versa.

(Source: foxytail11)

Wisest advice I’ve ever come across on #tumblr.

Wisest advice I’ve ever come across on #tumblr.

gummybearattacktheworldofdespair:

saemiligr:

sentientbowtie:

sweettittiesthatwilldestroyusall:

poisonstarfruit:

maccasmiz:

turnaboutkid:

cozmopolitan:

ifweweremartians:

a-wak-e:

cozmopolitan:

a-wak-e:

The lie is over now.
The truth is out.

Its time to wake up and accept the fact that the people on the top, don’t have your best interest in mind. All they ever wanted, want and will want is money over your and your children’s dead body. Its Eugenics. Nothing new.

Wake up and Care and Share before too late.

you people are the reason why measles are back in new york

If measile is back, then it should only affect those who aren’t vaccinated. But is affecting those who are. THINK.

Vaccination doesn’t work, and even if it did… it only protects for couple years max.

Don’t seek vaccination … but nutrition my friend. Nutrition is the true medicine.

vaccines are bullshit and cause adverse reactions like death

where is your proof

hOLY FRICK YOU DONE PISSED ME OFF AND I DON’T GET MAD EASILY SO CONGRATS

SIT YOUR IGNORANT FEARMONGERING SELF DOWN AND LISTEN UP BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA BE LONG

THE HUMAN IMMUNE SYSTEM IS MADE OF TWO PARTS: THE INNATE SYSTEM AND THE ADAPTIVE SYSTEM. YOU NEED BOTH WORKING TOGETHER TO PROTECT YOU FROM DISEASES, BUT THE ADAPTIVE SYSTEM IS DESIGNED TO ONLY PROTECT YOU FROM THINGS IT’S ALREADY EXPERIENCED. IT CAN TAKE UP TO TWO WEEKS TO KICK IN AGAINST AN INFECTION IT’S NEVER SEEN BEFORE, AND GUESS WHAT FARTNUGGET YOU CAN BE DEAD OR SCREWED OVER FOR LIFE IN TWO WEEKS. BUT WHEN IT SEES A DISEASE IT CREATES MEMORY CELLS THAT REMEMBER THAT DISEASE AND CAN KICK IN IMMEDIATELY WHEN IT HAPPENS AGAIN, USUALLY QUICK ENOUGH TO PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING SICK AT ALL.

THE POINT OF VACCINES IS TO USE A NATURAL BODY RESPONSE TO PROTECT PEOPLE BY HELPING IT DO WHAT IT DOES ALREADY. YOU USE ATTENUATED NONVIRULENT FORMS OF THE DISEASE TO PREP THE IMMUNE SYSTEM SO IT WILL REMEMBER HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND FIGHT THAT DISEASE IN THE FUTURE. THAT IS HOW YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM WORKS SO DON’T YOU DARE START CLAIMING THAT YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM MEANS YOU DON’T NEED VACCINATIONS. THAT’S THE ENTIRE POINT. YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM CAN’T DO IT ALONE. THAT’S WHY SMALLPOX KILLED 500 MILLION PEOPLE BEFORE VACCINATIONS STOPPED IT.

VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM HOLY FRICK THERE HAS NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE BEEN PROOF OF THAT AND I CHALLENGE YOU TO SHOW ME SOME. THERE WAS ONE DOCTOR WHO PUBLISHED A STUDY IN 1998 SHOWING VACCINES MIGHT CAUSE AUTISM. IT WAS FAKE AND PROVED WRONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE USED UNETHICAL AND INVASIVE PROCEDURES ON CHILDREN AND HE WAS BANNED FROM PRACTICING MEDICINE. 

THE DIAGNOSIS OF AUTISM HAS IMPROVED SINCE 1970. CORRELATION DOES NOT IMPLY CAUSATION. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAS INCREASED SINCE 1970? INTERNET USAGE. MAYBE THE INTERNET CAUSES AUTISM, IF YOU’RE GONNA USE THAT LOGIC.

AND HOLY FRICKING HECK EVEN IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THE LIE THAT VACCINES ARE LINKED TO AUTISM, ARE YOU REALLY THAT SCARED OF AUTISM THAT YOU’D RATHER YOUR CHILD DIE HORRIBLY OF A COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE DISEASE THAN BE AUTISTIC

THIOMERSAL IS AN ORGANIC MERCURY-CONTAINING COMPOUND THAT WAS USED AS A PRESERVATIVE IN VACCINES IN CONTROLLED AMOUNTS BECAUSE GUESS WHAT DOUCHECANOE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS CHEMICALS AND THESE GUYS ARE PAID TO KNOW HOW TO COMBINE THEM PROPERLY. IT WAS NEVER SHOWN TO CAUSE AUTISM AND THE SIGNS OF MERCURY POISONING ARE WELL-KNOWN AND NOTHING LIKE WHAT PEOPLE ARE CLAIMING VACCINES DO. EVEN SO, IT WAS PHASED OUT OF VACCINES IN 2001. THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER STILL USES IT IS THE INFLUENZA VACCINE AND GUESS WHAT? AFTER A CRAPTON OF TESTS DONE BY PEOPLE SMARTER THAN YOU WHO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING AND HOW CHEMISTRY AND MEDICINE WORK, IT WAS FOUND THAT THE ONLY SIDE EFFECT WAS- WAIT FOR IT- SLIGHT REDNESS AT THE INJECTION SITE.BECAUSE AGAIN, THIOMERSAL IS NOT PURE MERCURY YOU ABSOLUTE TURDSTAIN AND IS NOT THE LEAST BIT COMPARABLE TO TOXIC WASTE. AND DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH 25 MICROGRAMS IS? THAT’S 0.000025 GRAMS. GRAMS. THAT IS AN ABSURDLY SMALL AMOUNT. I CAN’T EVEN CONVEY HOW SMALL THAT IS. PROBABLY THE SIZE OF YOUR BRAIN.

IM NOT TOUCHING THE BILL GATES THING BECAUSE I DONT KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT IT. SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO THAT FOR ME. OR YANNO YOU COULD GOOGLE IT AND ACTUALLY EDUCATE YOURSELF FROM OBJECTIVE SOURCES AND NOT SOURCELESS FEARMONGERING JPEGS REPOSTED SO MANY TIMES THEY’RE ALMOST COMPLETELY ILLEGIBLE.

HEEYYYYYY GUESS WHAT ALL THE FOOD IN THE WORLD WON’T HELP YOU IF YOU’RE THROWING IT UP OR CRAPPING IT OUT OR IF SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO FOOD IS KILLING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. YEAH MAN PEOPLE NEED FOOD AND WE SHOULD HELP MORE WITH THAT BUT YOU ALSO GOTTA PRIORITIZE THINGS THAT KILL SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN STARVATION.

YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT WE’VE GOT ALL THESE VACCINES NOW. PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN THE 1700’S WOULD BE CRYING TEARS OF JOY IF THEY HEARD THAT WE HAD WIPED OUT SMALLPOX AND POLIO AND WE COULD PREVENT ALL THESE OTHER DISEASES. LOOK AT THAT LIST. THAT’S NOT A LIST OF POISONS. THAT’S A LIST OF THE DISEASES WHOSE BUTTS WE’VE KICKED AND THAT DESERVES THE BIGGEST HELL YEAH IN THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE.

EXCEPT NOW MORONS LIKE YOU ARE BRINGING THEM BACK. YOUR BIT OF NON-LOGIC THERE JUST PROVES HOW LITTLE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS. THERE’S A THING CALLED HERD IMMUNITY AND IT’S JUST AS IMPORTANT, IF NOT MORESO, THAN INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY. SOME PEOPLE CAN’T GET VACCINES DUE TO HEALTH ISSUES. WE’RE PROTECTING THEM TOO WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DOES BECAUSE IT CAN’T SPREAD. BUT LET’S TALK ABOUT HEALTHY PEOPLE, SINCE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE ASKING ABOUT. DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST DISEASES MUTATE? WITHIN LESS THAN FIVE YEARS FOR SOME. AND IT’S CAUSED BY A THING CALLED SELECTIVE PRESSURE. SELECTIVE PRESSURE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A TWO WEEK DOSE OF ANTIBIOTICS AND ONLY TAKE TEN DAYS’ WORTH BECAUSE YOU FEEL BETTER AND YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THOSE SILLY DOCTORS. WELL GUESS WHAT? YOU DIDN’T KILL ALL THE BACTERIA AND NOW THEY’RE FREE TO GROW AGAIN. AND SINCE THEY’RE THE ONES THAT SURVIVED, THEY’RE NOW IMMUNE TO THE ANTIBIOTICS AND FREE TO SPREAD THAT TO OTHERS. CONGRATS BUTTMUNCH YOU JUST RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE BECAUSE NOW IT’S MUTATED AND SPREADING AGAIN AND THE ANTIBIOTICS DON’T WORK. THE SAME THING HAPPENS WITH VACCINES. IF PEOPLE LIKE YOU KEEP AVOIDING VACCINES, IT GIVES DISEASES LIKE MEASLES A TOEHOLD IN THE POPULATION TO MUTATE AND SPREAD AND CAUSE ANOTHER EPIDEMIC

VACCINES DON’T WEAR OFF AFTER FIVE YEARS I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GETTING THAT INFORMATION BUT HOLY JEEZ IT’S JUST PLAIN WRONG. THE CLOSEST THING I FOUND ON GOOGLE WAS SOME CONTROVERSY ABOUT THE HPV VACCINE LASTING 6-9 YEARS AND EVEN THAT WAS UNDER SCRUTINY AND NOT EVERY DISEASE WORKS THE SAME WAY. SOME ARE FOREVER, SOME REQUIRE BOOSTERS, ETC ETC. I COULD GET INTO WHY BUT THIS HAS GOTTEN LONG ENOUGH SO LET’S BRING IT BACK TO PEOPLE SMARTER THAN YOU HAVE STUDIED THIS AND BUILT ON CENTURIES OF MEDICAL PROCESS AND THIS IS WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING SO I THINK THEY MIGHT KNOW A BIT MORE ABOUT IT THAN YOU

P.S. NUTRITION? NUTRITION? I’LL JUST EAT THIS APPLE AND IT’LL FIGHT ALL THESE BACTERIA AND VIRUSES. OR MAYBE POTATO CHIPS CAUSE MEASLES. STOP AND LISTEN TO YOURSELF HOLY CRAP. 

THANK.YOU.

As a Biology major I was about to go into a huge rant but I’m glad to see it was already done :)

Captain Capital Letters up there brings up some good points people, listen to them.

I can’t begin to tell you how badly I wish I could just repeatedly reblog this until it spread across the internet. I will probably schedule it to reblog in the future for a few weeks but still. I want to put it EVERYFUCKINGWHERE. 

As a biochemist I feel obligated to reblog this every month, so any of my new followers would know how vaccines work.

(via nursehamilton)

Alan Tudyk’s and Nathan Fillion’s encounter with Justin Bieber at the Halo 3 release party (x)

(Source: richardcastles, via nursehamilton)

brutalboobs:

silhouettes-of-my-soul:

here’s a tip: if you start dating a depressed person, don’t be surprised if they are still depressed while they are dating you.
they’re not depressed because they’re single, and you are not an all-powerful cure for mental illnesses. just be there for them.

REAL

FUCKING

TALK

(via nursehamilton)

Heath Ledger winning an Oscar for ‘Best Supporting Actor’ for his role as ‘The Joker’ in The Dark Knight (2008)

(Source: sstarkgaryen, via nursehamilton)