It comes in slow like the tide, but just as quickly swallows me whole just like a tidal wave.
- Gryffindor: Do what is right
- Ravenclaw: Do what is wise
- Hufflepuff: Do what is kind
- Slytherin: PUT A FUCKING BASILISK IN THE CASTLE
This week’s episode of the Secret Life of an American Axis II Patient, Jillian experienced many firsts and came to terms with some gripping hard realities. Or, are they?
Made a STUPID FUCKING IDIOT choice and let my raging fuckhead emotions get the better of me. Slept with my ex. It was fucking amazing, as always. He’s a beast. We are ridiculously incompatible and it became apparent on the 2nd day of that. Yes, he’s changed and is no longer emotionally abusive. Yea, I’m probably also blocking stuff out of my head that he’s done. I’m cutting off contact with him again. I just needed to fuck. I needed to be close. I needed trust, I needed unconditional openness. For that short period of time, I could tell him ANYTHING. Be myself completely… spill my heart out, my life out on the table and not be afraid of him throwing it back in my face. And he could do the same with me. In fact, I encouraged it, I asked about his life.
Neither of us had to worry about judgement.. but I was so relieved I didn’t have to worry about him laughing at me. Or worse, all of the above and then walking away. He used to do that. I know, because that’s why I ultimately left him, because that was just the beginning of it. It got worse, and worse and worse as I allowed that to keep continuing. That’s not me anymore, and I don’t know if that’s him anymore but I know he is capable of good… it just can’t be with me.
I know it was toxic, and will always be toxic. But at least I can trust that if I call him, he’ll be there at least for that little while. He can’t do long term with me, nor I with him. But fuck, the stuff about him that’s good is absolutely perfect. He’s going to make somebody so very happy someday.
Sobbed all day at work. Admitted myself to the hospital after suicidal ideology and uncontrollable volubility and emotion. I thought I was going to get an anti anxiety, but didn’t realize what I got myself into. I signed my rights away. They tried to admit me. I’m lucky my mom came, but even so they refused to let me go home with her and sent me on an ambulence (against my will) to another hospital just for me to get a clear bill of mental health from a much more understanding doctor who realized that I just needed to calm down. ESPECIALLY because I was seeing my psych the very next day 11am… and my therapist the following at 4pm.
I don’t know why, I thought seeing Jeff would make me feel better, fill that void. It didn’t. I still knew Dad would die. I still knew I would ultimately be alone. I still felt like I was drowning in the quicksand, and thrashing to get out. That blades were my fingertips, and as I reached out for a tender touch I left razer mark slices across all who I came across. It was a full blown Borderline Fog. I lashed out at everyone, those I loved. I pushed them away, and focused on how they hurt me and left me rather than how they have been there for me. I couldn’t see past that pain. Even if logically I kept looking past it, I couldn’t SEE. I was blind to it, like trying to explain a new color. I knew it existed, I knew it made sense, but that bucket of water didn’t compare to the raging fire within.
Saw my therapist, went full on crazy psycho bitch are we in middle school again or are you a fucking adult mode. Biting my mom’s head off, snapping angry at everyone, incapable of letting go and riding out the storm. I was a scornful hellfire of hedonistic vengeance. But, there is good news. We discussed in-patient DBT programs. They sound kinda awesome… like spiritual retreats. You learn life skills, get to go away and come back renewed. It was compared to Hinduism / Buddhism in some ways.
I’m excited. This has been a hell week, it’s been fucking crazy, but it’s been good. It’s been real fucking real. I have a game plan. Life doesn’t have to be a rickety roller coaster made of rotted wood, but instead a refined piece of machinery. A twisted sleek beauty made of steel which I am happy to jump in,sit back and enjoy the ride as the wind whips at my hair and my hands lazily brush the handle bars, or maybe make patterns in the wind as we rush past…
Master and I went out on a date last night and this was my outfit (well minus the chain, which I left at home). At first I was just going to go out with just that lace dress and Louboutins but the cuffs and collar I got from kittensplaypenshop look classy and elegant enough to go with this outfit. Lately I haven’t been going out with my tail but I just love how my tail looks with this dress!
I have no idea when this passed the 3K notes mark but I think this is my most popular petplay post =P
I WANT TO DO THIS
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A FOXTAIL and I would also love to surprise Nick with that if we ever go out on a date ever again. I also want Louboutins.
I recently purchased one of these… only got to use it once. Looking for a more worthwhile playmate to try again… aka get my head on fucking straight and say no to any relationships with anybody until I get out on my in-patient DBT program. THEN! Fun will be had, but with someone I genuinely trust and care for and vise versa.
here’s a tip: if you start dating a depressed person, don’t be surprised if they are still depressed while they are dating you.
they’re not depressed because they’re single, and you are not an all-powerful cure for mental illnesses. just be there for them.